


Nana

by ahappyphil



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2020, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:48:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23916313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahappyphil/pseuds/ahappyphil
Summary: “The thing is, coming out to his family proved to be the easy part. It’s what followed that’s been difficult, more emotionally draining, more vulnerable. It’s like the invisible wall that’s been between them now has physical form. It has a name now.“
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 50
Kudos: 197





	Nana

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LetGladnessDwell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LetGladnessDwell/gifts).



> Commission for LetGladnessDwell. Thank you so much for inspiring this! Also thank you to @yikesola for the encouragement and beta <33

He’d been preparing what he’d say the entire taxi ride to the party. Technically, Dan had been planning on what he’d say since a week after he sent the email. Maybe even before. Maybe he always knew in the back of his mind that it’d be harder than just a single declaration shouted into the void. 

The thing is, coming out to his family proved to be the easy part. It’s what followed that’s been difficult, more emotionally draining, more vulnerable. It’s like the invisible wall that’s been between them now has physical form. It has a name now. 

His grandma still calls him once a week to catch up. That hasn’t changed. She still tells him about her sudoku club and the local gossip around her church group. She asks about him and his work like she has any idea what any of it actually means. 

She asked how Phil was the week he posted the video. Just casually, like she did from time to time, like his entire world didn’t just change. He can’t decide if the passiveness hurt him or not. 

The budding anxiety of seeing his family face to face for the first time since coming out is only amplified by everyone’s unwillingness to acknowledge how this has monumentally changed his life. 

Maybe they don’t want to make it a big deal out of respect for what they think he wants. Maybe they just knew all along and he just confirmed something that had long been assumed. Maybe he should stop the swirling panic of possibilities and do what he came here to do. 

It’s the icing on the dramatic awkward cake of his life that he’d have to do this on his granddad’s 80th birthday surrounded by extended family and people who haven’t seen him since he was a kid (or maybe they saw the news articles and will wonder why that gay man from the internet is here.) 

*  
The venue is empty aside from the staff setting up the party and a handful of family members who came in early. He’s suddenly wishing he’d taken a later train and been fashionably late. 

He spots his grandmother on the lawn surveying the area for any imperfections. She’s shuffling a small table just a few inches. It makes him chuckle quietly to himself. Out of all the traits he picked up from her, anxiously tidying might be the most annoying. 

She turns around like she has some kind of grandparent sixth sense and waves him over. 

“Hello, dear!” She wraps him in a big hug and it eases his mind enough to hold her back. “Come sit.”

She pats the chair she’d been moving and sits at the one next to it. 

“They have those biscuits you like so much.” She points to the caterers setting up the buffet. 

He doesn’t. He hasn’t liked those shortbreads since he was 16, but it’s not like she would know that. It’s not like he’s really told her much of anything about himself since he hit puberty. It’s not her fault that he stopped sharing even the most minute details with anyone in his family. 

The subtle nod he gives her seems to be enough of an answer for her to continue.

“How are you?”

“M’fine. This place is pretty swish.” They always were the type of people to act more posh than they actually were. 

“It is quite pretty, isn’t it. A nice place for a wedding.” She pauses as if she’s said something she shouldn’t. “Or you know...that sort of thing. You know your granddad, he doesn’t care as long as there’s champagne.”

There’s a tightness to her laugh Dan can’t quite read.

The thing is his family doesn’t talk. It’s not necessarily intentional. It’s just the way it’s always been. They keep things light and politely ignore whatever conflict might be going on directly in front of their faces. It was like that when his parents fought. It was like that when he’d come home from school with bruises and black eyes. 

Sending that email three months ago was the most direct any of them had been since he could remember, adding on to the already immense pressure he felt typing it up in the first place after half a dozen failed attempts. 

He’d wondered how today would go. If anyone would mention it. Now he can’t decide if he’s relieved or hurt that things seem business as usual. His mum hasn’t brought it up aside from the text after his BBC interview. 

It’s not like he thought things would change, really. He didn’t assume he’d say he’s gay and then his family would all of a sudden be the kind of people who share things with each other. 

But also, isn’t it supposed to feel different now? The weight he usually feels around his shoulders is still present, but maybe just a new brand of guilt and anxiety. It still itches like an uncomfortable secret, like a forbidden topic everyone in the room is acutely aware of.

If years of therapy and self reflection have taught him anything, it’s that sometimes you have to take the initiative more than once. Maybe they’re all waiting on him to take the lead. Maybe it’s less about their own discomfort and more about his.

He looks at her in her eyes. “Me and Phil were thinking about an outdoor space. You know, when the time is right.”

She raises her eyebrows in surprise, whether at the bluntness of his statement or the fact that he’s acknowledging it at all he can’t tell. In true Nana fashion, she doesn’t miss a beat.

“He’s a pale lad. Best to have some shade so he’s not a lobster in the photos.” 

Dan snickers at the reference she didn’t know she made. 

A comfortable silence encompasses them. The tightness in his chest deflates just a bit, and he knows he wants...needs more. Rip the plaster off.

“Nana, I’m gay.” 

“Yes, darling. I know. You told us.” She gives him a confused look.

“Yeah, but…” He hates how he’s already stuttering. “I just...I need to say it to you in person and I need you to tell me it’s okay and you don’t like...want to disown me now.”

“Why on earth would you think I’d do that?!” Her tone seems genuinely offended. 

“You’re joking right?” He huffs out a laugh. “You’re like the ultimate upstanding Christian. You made me go to Sunday service once when I had the bloody flu!”

“Daniel, I love you no matter what. Nothing will change that.” 

There was always a lingering fear that her love would be conditional if she ever found out. Like his sexuality had the power to strip away the first source of stability in his life. 

He steadies himself before continuing.

“I had to sit there every week and be told that this thing I was so scared of being was wrong. That being gay was wrong and bad, and I believed it. I thought you did too.” 

He does everything in his power to stop the tears before they start, but it’s useless. 

“I’ve disappointed everyone in my life. I just...I couldn’t disappoint you too.”

She puts her hand on his cheek and pulls him into her. It’s a bit uncomfortable as he towers over her, but it still feels nice. It feels like home.

“My little bear.” She wipes away the wetness at the corner of his eye. “You haven’t disappointed me. I am so proud of you. Popsie is so proud of you. You are one of the strongest, bravest, most kind hearted people I know. I am so sorry you felt like you had to hide. I’m sorry you ever felt like you were not okay. God made you exactly as you are, no mistakes, and he loves you.”

He tenses at the G word, but she still continues.

“The church has come a long way. Why, I’ve had about twenty people come up to me to say they saw you in the papers. Everyone is so happy for you. Most certainly, us.”

Normally he’d cringe at the notion of being seen by the people in town, but it doesn’t come. It just feels nice. 

There’s a question that’s been on the tip of his tongue. One he’s been both curious and fearful of since he figured out the answer himself. 

“Did you...did you think I was?”

“Darling, you used to put a wig on and sang Spice Girls in the back garden. You’d make us watch you perform your theatre shows. I had an inkling this might happen.” She lets out a fond giggle. “You always did love to put on a show.”

He doesn't have the emotional energy to correct her about gender roles or the toxic ideation of boys expressing traditionally feminine behavior. She doesn’t mean any harm, and she’s not exactly wrong. Maybe they can have that discussion in France next month. 

“And I did watch some of your videos, you know. Phil’s as well.” 

That’s surprising. He knew she’d seen some of his stuff despite him practically begging her not to and even got a twitter account against his protests, but he never even thought she’d check Phil out. 

“I may be old and out of the know, but I’m not blind dear. I just didn’t want to assume.”

He fights the urge to explain how much easier it would have been if she _had_ assumed just a bit. If they could have put the pieces together on their own without him having to spell it out. 

“I could tell he made you happy, and that is the most important thing. It’s nice to see you smile like that.”

He hates that Phil isn’t here for the first time today. He wants to properly introduce them now, to see them swap stories and connect in a way he wouldn’t have allowed before. He knew it was too soon for that today. They needed to have this conversation first.

“You should come to London soon. We’ll make you dinner.”

“That’d be lovely, dear.” She smiles at him like it means more than she’s letting on. 

*

They sit and talk for the next hour. He lets himself share things about his life. He tells her about the fish they’re getting soon and the projects he’s been working on. That he hates shortbread cookies and takes almond milk with his coffee now. 

She tells him about the granddaughter of a friend who recently came out, how she started a support club at school. They share a knowing look and she grabs his hand as a silent apology he didn’t know he needed. They cry a bit more because it feels like the floodgates have opened after twenty eight years of reinforcing the brick walls he created. 

She tells him how proud she is again. How much she loves him, has always loved him. How she’d prayed for him every night since the day he was born. How she got wept and down on her knees the night he posted his video to thank God he was still here, how she was so grateful for her special wonderful boy and the impact he was making on the world.

He thanks her for doing everything she could to give him a good life, for being his safety even when he didn’t say it. 

They dry their eyes and agree to talk more. 

The conversation isn’t over, but the relief he feels just from letting the dam break makes him feel like a new person. His family won’t change magically overnight. There will still be new boundaries to draw and understanding to come to, but it’s a start.

“Come on, your mum and brother should be back in a few minutes.” She stands up and stretches. “ Let’s go have a strong drink before they can see and give us a lecture about that rotten expired juice they keep trying to get me to try.”

“Nana, that’s kombucha and it’s good for you.” The laugh he lets out feels like a reset. 

“Oh dear, they’ve gotten to you too!” She tisks. “We’re still sneaking biscuits and don’t you rat on me to Popsi or I’ll put you in the naughty corner. I don’t care that you’re a big celebrity now!”

She pokes at his arm trying to act tough and it makes him feel like they’re back in her garden messing about. “I do actually have one more, very important, thing to say.”

“What?” 

She looks him up and down, pointing at the backpack still slung on the back of his chair. 

“Did you remember the iPad?”

**Author's Note:**

> Reblog [here](https://ahappydnp.tumblr.com/post/616766750549295104/nana-g-21k-summary-the-thing-is-coming-out) :)


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